Funny jokes,keep them posting after the first.

a wife to her husband when we got married you said i would show you the world,witch the man replied i did... i installed google earth.

Doctor walks into the exam room...says to the male patient...
"what brings you here today"

Well Doc...it's my D!ck...lately it's been turning orange.
I just don't know why...
I mean...I'll just be sitting there....
watching p0rn....
eating cheetos...
and bam...my d!ck turns orange...





I got this one in a email from a guy friend:

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they
have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right
wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same
dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny,
I dreamed I was skiing!"

I'm not sure if the following count as jokes, but one thing I heard quite often at basic training during my time in the Austrian military was about bread. It roughly translates into English like this:

There is no such thing as 'hard bread'. Not having any bread is hard !


Another 'joke' was about the heavy rain during an exercise:

No, that's not rain. That's just slightly increased air humidity..

My favorite type of humor is stand-up comedy. Here are some of my favorites from various sources.

I'm kind of sad today. We had to pull the plug on my grandmother. I needed the outlet to re-charge my phone.

But my other set of grandparents are alive and well. In fact, they just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. A lot has changed in 50 years. Like one day they were sitting together on the sofa when grandma gave grandpa a coy look and asked him "Do you want to go upstairs and make love?" He said "Choose one or the other woman. I don't have the energy to do both." So they ended up making love on the sofa downstairs. Which I thought was romantic. It really upset the hotel manager though.

They celebrated in New York City. The city that never sleeps. Where something is always happening. Most of it unsolved.

We were in Central Park one day. There was a woman frantically trying to find her son. I wanted to tell her that I'd seen a kid being dragged into the bathroom by a homeless guy. But she seemed like she was already pretty upset.

I signed up for a martial arts class. The technique was developed in Brooklyn and involves different kicks and punches and two guys to hold down your opponent.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section? ” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, Let there be light! And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Where did the little girl go when the bomb went off?

...

--everywhere